from c.h. in salt lake county
Dear Utah,
On the outside, everything looks perfect. Beautiful home, amazing children, nice cars, cute
shoes, all of it.
But behind closed doors, life was so much more dark than anyone could have imagined.
I had been married for 23 years, working in healthcare for the majority of it. During the last eight
years of the marriage, my then husband was making enough money, and I had expressed a
desire to spend more time with the children, and we had settled into the traditional roles of a
husband being the primary earner and a wife primarily staying at home.
At first this dynamic was a treasure as it allowed me to attend all of the soccer games, be the
team parent, volunteer at the high school, and create new and exciting dinners from recipes
found on TikTok. I even began to have the luxury of going out to lunch occasionally with
friends, or joining my husband on a business trip to Las Vegas. Things I hadn’t been able to do
regularly while I was working outside the home.
But this dynamic grew dark as my husband's emotional manipulation and abusive behavior only
escalated. I didn’t recognize it as abuse at the time. I tried to logic his outbursts away by
focusing on the fact his business was “so successful” that he was under a lot of stress, but with
the sharp lens of hindsight, I believe there were more complicated dynamics at play.
During what should have been the happiest years of my life as a mother, I was drowning. The
constant criticism, sexual coercion, gaslighting and emotional turmoil began to take its toll on
me.
My then husband was quick to turn the blame and focus on me. Suggesting that I had
depression, anxiety, was premenopausal or worse, spoiled and irresponsible.
“Why can’t you just be happy?” he would scream at me when I had the audacity to express my
concerns about his behavior towards me.
I saw multiple doctors and therapists, tried multiple mental health medications, and even tried to
sign us up for couples’ therapy. That was a disaster as the therapist spent more time
applauding my husband's financial successes than she spent actually hearing the stories I was
trying to share.
I finally found a therapist who specializes in EMDR style therapy, a way of actively retraining
your brain to convert limiting beliefs into empowering beliefs. During this process, I was able to
identify the source of so many of my limiting beliefs. It was my then husband. I could finally see
the abusive nature in his personality.
Emotional, psychological, verbal, even sexual abuse often all get lumped together as “invisible
abuse.” Like a cancer, the damage accumulates in the shadows and can certainly destroy the
target. Oftentimes I would silently pray that he would actually hit me, so that I would have proof,
proof of the abuse.
As I came to terms with the abusive situation in which I lived, I began to get stronger. I learned
about grey rocking. I began to journal more. I started actively applying to return to the
workforce. Interestingly the healthier I became, the more his erratic and toxic behavior
increased manifesting through substance abuse, road rage, health emergencies and yes, more
blame and gaslighting.
During this time, I remember driving in the car with him and making a simple comment about the
beautiful blue sky. His response? “No it’s not.”
I understand that there may be a nuance to a comment as simple as “the sky is blue.” Maybe
the sky is a steely grey blue, warning of an upcoming storm. Maybe there are some clouds in
the sky. But, with rare exception, the sky is truly….blue.
I held on to that phrase for years. A phrase reminding me that in the face of my abuse, I was
not in fact crazy. I was grounded in the blue sky.
“I’m hiding the guns because you don’t deserve to know where they are!” he would shout.
The sky is blue, I whispered.
“Do you feel safe now?” he yelled while tailgating a semi truck down Parleys Canyon.
The sky is blue, I repeated inside my mind.
“If you take that job, I will divorce you!” he mocked.
The sky is blue, I uttered while looking out the window.
“You are nothing without me!”
The sky is blue.
“It’s not rape if we are married!”
The sky is blue.
“I will leave you with nothing!”
The sky is blue.
“You don’t have to worry about that woman. Why, is it because you are cheating?”
The sky is blue.
“You don’t contribute to the collective!”
The sky is blue.
“The kids all think you are crazy!”
The sky is blue.
I eventually left. I filed for divorce. And while there is still pain, concerns about the wellbeing of
my children, financial uncertainty, post divorce abuse, and mounting legal fees, I do have
moments where I raise my face to the sun, take a deep breath and can say outloud to myself….
Yes, the sky is blue and it is beautiful.”